19 April 2017

I'm Not Ready

 On Friday last week, we  thought I might be going into labor. I was up most of the night with a racing heart beat, the worst back pain i've ever felt, nausea, and contractions every 10ish minutes. The contractions weren't too bad, but the nausea and back pain were making me almost delirious so come mid-afternoon we marched our way into labor and delivery to see what was going on.

The second we walked through those doors I lost it. I could not stop crying! Not only was I not ready to have another baby, I wasn't ready to go through labor, I wasn't ready to share my heart with anyone but Sawyer, I just wasn't ready.

Once I was wheeled up and checked out, it turned out to be a double whammy of a kidney/bladder infection and I was given an IV of antibiotics, something to lower my heart rate, pain and nausea meds, and something that just knocked me out cold. I wasn't dilated in the slightest, so baby sister definitely wasn't coming, so I just slept the next several hours until they woke me up and told me it was time to go home.

It was all very dramatic and ended up being not a big deal at all, and i've felt so much better ever since, but man did it make me reflect on how not ready I feel to do this again.

I keep saying I wish there was a way I could have this baby (because let's be honest, the end of pregnancy sucks) and then press pause on her life, so I could go home and heal, and rest and then un-pause and be a mom of two. I don't want to miss a single second of her life, but I also don't know how this whole mom of 2 18 months and under is going to work out.

It's really hard to explain, but it feels almost like I know how to be Sawyer's mom. I know his quirks, how he likes his back tickled, what his different cries mean. I don't know any of that about her yet! I know we will learn it, just like we did with him, but the task seems a bit daunting when I feel so darn incapable of just about anything right now.

The other day I was feeling some major mom guilt about plopping Sawyer in front of Moana for the 900th time so that I could just lay on the couch and do nothing, and I justified it by saying "it's okay! Just a few more days and you wont be pregnant and tired and you can go back to being a good mom!"...and that's when it hit me...umm what?! In a few days the exhaustion I thought I felt today won't even compare to the exhaustion that comes with breastfeeding and caring for a newborn. And then the hormones caught up with me again and I cried big, ugly tears that I would be a bad mom who made her kid watch Moana 12 times a day forever.

My logical brain knows that all of these concerns I have are normal, that we will get into a routine, that I will cook something other than macaroni and clean my house again before we know it. My hormonal 37 week pregnant brain thinks i'm not cut out for this and my kids would be better off with someone who played educational games and took them on nature walks on the daily.

It really comes down to, ready or not, here she comes. It will be messy, it will be damp (is there any better word to describe early days of motherhood?) and it will be so wonderful, and once we're through the adjustment phase we will look back and we won't remember the long nights or early mornings. We will remember the way Sawyer kissed his baby sister for the first time, or the night we got both kids to sleep through and we woke up feeling like new people. We've got the good Lord on our side to get us through, and they make this stuff  called Death Wish coffee now, and i'm pretty sure that will light a fire under even the most tired, stretch marked, new mama rear. :)

Thanks for listening to my word vomit today, it feels so good to get the words out of my head!

Until Next Time,


  1. Ok, first, Sawyer's hair and little teeth are SO sweet! What a cutie! Second, you will do great - remember how hard it was when you had Sawyer and then how great you became at it? You've got this, mama! One day at a time!

  2. I had my Jake for 6 years before our 2nd came along, also a girl, and the reality for me was, s new child, a girl not a boy, a new parenting hat....period. Her sleep patterns were different, her eating habits were different, and on and on. From day one, what worked for the first didn't work for the 2nd. So very quickly this was realized, and then naturally, you just do what needs to be done according to the child, while simultaneously constantly trying to keep the household on a similar page and routine. It's just multi-tasking honey.....you can do it! I remember sobbing at times also before Briana got here, basically mourning the loss of my perfect only child household. Now,of course, I can't imagine US without her. My son is the love of my life, but my daughter turned out to be my best friend. You will be as perfect as any mom I know! And did I mention, dressing and shopping for a girl is WAAAAAAAY MORE FUN!! All the best for a quick delivery and a healthy little honey! Blessings on you bunch of Rose's!😙

  3. I'm not due until August and Amelia will be 23 1/2 months when her brother is born, but I still have these feelings, as well. Change is so hard, and taking care of two babies will be a big adjustment! But from what I've heard, you will be so busy that you won't have as much time to worry about everything that you did when you just had one. You will figure it out and do a great job :).

  4. I think these are totally normal worries, friend! You got this! Sawyer knows his mommy is awesome, and I bet he will adjust splendidly! Everything will fall into place exactly as it should :)

  5. مكافحة الحشرات
    تواجه سيدة المنزل مشكلات كثيره في التخلص من الحشرات فمن هذه الحشرات صعب الإبادة ومنها يأخذ وقتا طويلا في الإبادة ولهذا تخصصت شركة مكافحة حشرات بالجبيل في مكافحة الحشرات لتنهى هذا الكابوس المزعج بالمنزل على يد متخصصين في هذا المجال .
    مميزات شركة مكافحة الحشرات بالجبيل
    1- تتميز شركة رش المبيدات بالجبيل بان لديها فريق عمل متكامل من كيميائيين وعمال وفنين في رش المبيدات
    2- كما انها تتميز بان لديها خبرة واسعة في هذا المجال
    3- تتميز الشركة بالأساليب الحديثة التي تتبعها في القضاء علي كافة أنواع الحشرات
    4- تتميز أيضا الشركة بالتطور الدائم والتطلع للأفضل في استخدام المبيدات الافضل للقضاء علي الحشرات
    5- يوجد لدينا الكيميائيين المختصين في صنع المبيدات الحشرية
    6- تتمكن الشركة من مكافحة الحشرات في الشقق والفيلا والشركات والفنادق والحدائق
    7- تتميز الشركة بسرعه تلبية طلبات العميل والوصول اليه في اسرع وقت وفي اي مكان
    أنواع الحشرات التي تتميز الشركة بالقضاء عليها
    من أنواع الحشرات التي تكافحها شركة رش مبيدات بالجبيل :
    - البق: وهو نوع صعب جدا في التعامل معه والتعايش معه فهو يتغذى على دم الانسان ولدغ الانسان ويصيب الجلد بالهرش والحساسية الشديدة ويعيش بين ثنايات المراتب وفى الخشب ويبيض كمية كبيره جدا من البيض وهذا من ضمن الاسباب الى تجعله من اصعب الحشرات الآتي يمكن القضاء عليه لذلك فلابد من اللجوء للشركة للتخلص من هذا النوع الصعب من الحشرات
    - النمل الابيض: النمل يعيش بين الثقوب والسيدة لا تعرف من اين مصدره وبدايته لكى تقضي عليه ولذلك فأننا نخلصك منه لفترات طويله
    - الصراصير: وهى تتواجد بنسبه كبيره في بيئة رطبه مثل المطابخ والشقوق وخصوصا الاخشاب وايضا نخلصك منها نهائيا بأذن الله.
    لمزيد من خدماتنا
    شركة رش مبيدات بالقطيف
    شركة رش مبيدات بالدمام

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