I'm Not Ready

 On Friday last week, we  thought I might be going into labor. I was up most of the night with a racing heart beat, the worst back pain i've ever felt, nausea, and contractions every 10ish minutes. The contractions weren't too bad, but the nausea and back pain were making me almost delirious so come mid-afternoon we marched our way into labor and delivery to see what was going on.

The second we walked through those doors I lost it. I could not stop crying! Not only was I not ready to have another baby, I wasn't ready to go through labor, I wasn't ready to share my heart with anyone but Sawyer, I just wasn't ready.

Once I was wheeled up and checked out, it turned out to be a double whammy of a kidney/bladder infection and I was given an IV of antibiotics, something to lower my heart rate, pain and nausea meds, and something that just knocked me out cold. I wasn't dilated in the slightest, so baby sister definitely wasn't coming, so I just slept the next several hours until they woke me up and told me it was time to go home.

It was all very dramatic and ended up being not a big deal at all, and i've felt so much better ever since, but man did it make me reflect on how not ready I feel to do this again.

I keep saying I wish there was a way I could have this baby (because let's be honest, the end of pregnancy sucks) and then press pause on her life, so I could go home and heal, and rest and then un-pause and be a mom of two. I don't want to miss a single second of her life, but I also don't know how this whole mom of 2 18 months and under is going to work out.

It's really hard to explain, but it feels almost like I know how to be Sawyer's mom. I know his quirks, how he likes his back tickled, what his different cries mean. I don't know any of that about her yet! I know we will learn it, just like we did with him, but the task seems a bit daunting when I feel so darn incapable of just about anything right now.

The other day I was feeling some major mom guilt about plopping Sawyer in front of Moana for the 900th time so that I could just lay on the couch and do nothing, and I justified it by saying "it's okay! Just a few more days and you wont be pregnant and tired and you can go back to being a good mom!"...and that's when it hit me...umm what?! In a few days the exhaustion I thought I felt today won't even compare to the exhaustion that comes with breastfeeding and caring for a newborn. And then the hormones caught up with me again and I cried big, ugly tears that I would be a bad mom who made her kid watch Moana 12 times a day forever.

My logical brain knows that all of these concerns I have are normal, that we will get into a routine, that I will cook something other than macaroni and clean my house again before we know it. My hormonal 37 week pregnant brain thinks i'm not cut out for this and my kids would be better off with someone who played educational games and took them on nature walks on the daily.

It really comes down to, ready or not, here she comes. It will be messy, it will be damp (is there any better word to describe early days of motherhood?) and it will be so wonderful, and once we're through the adjustment phase we will look back and we won't remember the long nights or early mornings. We will remember the way Sawyer kissed his baby sister for the first time, or the night we got both kids to sleep through and we woke up feeling like new people. We've got the good Lord on our side to get us through, and they make this stuff  called Death Wish coffee now, and i'm pretty sure that will light a fire under even the most tired, stretch marked, new mama rear. :)

Thanks for listening to my word vomit today, it feels so good to get the words out of my head!

Until Next Time,

36 Week Bumpdate-we're in the home stretch!

Here is a random Tuesday post for you because it's late Monday night and I can't sleep and so a bumpdate just felt right ;) I'm not sure how many more of these i'll get out before our tiny tot arrives, but now that i'm in month or less territory, I thought I should record it!

How far along? Almost 36 weeks. (on Thursday!) We actually just have our best guess as far as due date since little lady was a bit of a surprise, a few ultrasounds had my week changing on Sundays, a few had it on Thursdays, so we'll just stick with the latter.

Total weight gain: 20 pounds. About 10 less than this point with Sawyer! Although at my last doctor appointment I had gained 5 of those 20 pounds within 2 weeks. Jake has been bringing me home banana splits every night. Stop judging.

Maternity clothes? This is the dumbest question in the bunch. Obviously. 

Stretch marks? So, if you recall my bumpdates with Sawyer, I was absolutely wrecked with stretch marks from my pregnancy with him. When you start out at 120 pounds and grow an almost 9 pound baby, it's bound to happen. I really thought because I stretched so much with him i'd be safe from more stretch marks this time around, but it turns out genetics are genetics. I only got them on my hips and thighs with Sawyer, and baby girl has added to my art work and I have them all over my lower stomach now as well. The joys of bringing life into the world.

Sleep: I've had a cold practically my entire pregnancy, and my stuffed up nose makes it difficult to sleep. Also, a new development is the worst hip and lower back ever, so I wake up pretty darn sore every morning. I'm starting to hit the wall, ya'll.

Best moment this week: Well, baby lady has dropped and I am in pain but with that comes the realization that we have a month or less until we meet her and that is darn exciting. 

Miss Anything? Beer. I'm not even that much of a drinker, but now that the weather is warming up i'm dying for a cold one on the patio with my hubs. Literally the best part of summer!

Movement: She is wild! I know she for sure dropped just looking at my belly, but I think I actually felt it happening the other night. She is getting bigger and bigger, though, so I know the days of the wild movements are limited. This could be our last baby, but it will definitely be our last baby for 3-4 years, so I know i'm going to miss that part of pregnancy.

Food cravings: Not really! I just eat everything in sight if we're being honest. I don't like to go to bed without something sweet, and Jake made me a quesadilla for dinner 4 nights last week because I could.not.get.enough, but I can't say I really crave anything. 

Anything making you queasy or sick: I was so sick the first 24 weeks of this pregnancy. 100 times more sick than I was with Sawyer and it was completely miserable, but it's been great since and other than a brush with a tummy bug, i've felt generally pretty good. Sawyer gave me some pretty serious food aversions too, and i'm glad to report I haven't had any of that with her.

Gender: Baby Sister!

Labor Signs: I have really strong, painful Braxton Hicks (or maybe even real?) contractions all of the time. Because I was induced with Sawyer, i'm convinced I will be induced with her also, so I really don't expect to see much until we're cruising into the hospital. I'm going to pass on dilation check this week and let her check me next, so i'll know if we're getting closer after that appointment. The thing is, it doesn't really mean anything. I was 4 cm dilated 100% effaced when we walked into the hospital to be induced with Sawyer and I walked around 3 cm dilated for THREE WEEKS. So it's mostly just a giant "get my hopes up" moment and I don't want to know! I also think i'll go into an eternal depression if i'm not progressed at all, I might be the first case in history of being pregnant forever.

Symptoms: She has totally dropped down, which is exciting! I know that she is preparing for her exit. I also have a lot of joint pain in my fingers and wrists, but I know that is all that relaxin hormone stretchin' out my body to push out a watermelon. She made me suffer the first 6 months of this pregnancy, but I have to say, other than the usual "the end is hard" complaints, it's been uneventful and pretty comfortable the last few months and i'm very grateful. The hardest thing has been my never ending cold and wicked acid reflux, but it seems tame in comparison to how horrid I felt at the end with Sawyer.

Belly Button in or out? Umbilical Hernia means out like a turkey timer!

Wedding rings on or off? Still on! I'm not as swollen as my last pregnancy and I think we have the mild weather to thank for that. I'm hoping I can keep it on the next 4 weeks-but if not I have a mighty cute fake band from Walmart that will do the trick ;)

Happy or Moody most of the time: I think i'm somewhere in the middle. I've spent the majority of this pregnancy moody AF, but now that we're nearing the end i'm just darn excited. My darling son has been a little rotten lately (entering the terrible twos!) and my patience is a little thin sometimes, but then he will do something so darn sweet that melts me into a puddle and I become so incredibly grateful for my 2 healthy babies. Jake and I are ridiculously blessed and when I start to think about it I can't help but get a little weepy.

Looking forward to: Being done with work, getting into the lake the first time, finishing our kitchen remodel, going to bed tonight, oh and meeting our baby girl we've waited a long, hard, 10 months to meet!!

I wish I was as good about taking bump photos as I was with Sawyer, but I am not. Not even close. So I will leave you with this comparison photo of both my babies at 36 weeks. I think we have another 8 + pounder on our hands ;)

Until Next Time,

Our Second Rosebud-Maternity Photos

Happy Friday, ya'll! We made it through another week. Each week that passes is a giant accomplishment right now, and I look forward to seeing the days count down as we get closer to welcoming our little girl.

It's so weird to be this far into pregnancy with our baby girl, because it feels soo much different than it felt with Sawyer. I've gained far less weight, so just physically I feel better, but I just don't have the same anxiety I had with him. Second time parents are experts, huh? ;) At least that's what we're telling ourselves!

We shot these photos a few weeks ago, right at 33 weeks pregnant, and I am just so happy at how they turned out! I didn't think anything would top the maternity photos we took with Sawyer , but I think I love these even more!

If you follow me on snapchat, you saw that seriously, taking photos with a toddler is no.joke. We were EXHAUSTED AFTER! I can't believe my girl Jessica was able to grab the shots she did, it was seriously a miracle! Sawyer ran away saying "no no no" every time we put a camera in his face and absolutely refused to smile, so I was amazed at some of the cute shots she got-i'm also in love with the more candid "nope" moments she shared with me too ;)

Okay, i'll stop gabbing! Let's get to the pictures!

This one had us cracking up for 10 minutes. Axl is saying "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE BRINGING HOME ANOTHER ONE!?" His position on the Rose totem pole just keeps moving down, poor pup!

We are so lucky to live in such a beautiful place and it was the most perfect, calm morning on the day we took our photos. It is the BEST to have such talented photographer friends who can just come to you! It's so much more comfortable to take family photos when you're in your element. It literally blows my mind how much Sawyer has changed since we took our Spring Family Photos at home. It's been just about a year since those and our little guy is a different baby all together! I don't know where the time goes.

And because they're too good not to share, here is what it really looks like trying to get photos with a toddler...

Love this crazy crew more than life-can't believe we're adding another to the bunch!

All photos taken by my dear friend, Jessica, at Jessica Robinson Photography - if you're local, you NEED her in your life.

Until Next Time,