18 October 2012

5 ways to drive your spouse bananas

99.9 percent of the time I’m an awesome girlfriend. (wink wink) so to balance out that .01 percent, I find it is very important to take some steps to annoy the crap out of Jake. As I assume you are all exceptionally beautiful, hardworking, talented, and perfect spouses as well, I’m here to make sure you know how to take the necessary steps to annoy the daylights out of who you call Mr. Its only fair.

For starters, you can put an embarrassing picture of him on your blog.

1)       During a big game, make sure to dust the entertainment center. He needs to know this house won’t clean itself, and what better way to do it than in overtime 3 points down? I especially like to make a scene when he acts annoyed and say things like, “wow, I worked all week, and now you’re complaining that I am CLEANING!? I am SO unappreciated around here!” and then continue on with my dusting. Works like a charm.

2)       Wait patiently for him to start a show, or movie without you. When he does, sit down next to him, and ask him a question about every.single.thing that happens. “Why is that guy so mad?”, “Well why did they kill him?” ,“I really don’t like this movie” , “she is way prettier than her, why did he do that again?, are they married? Wow they’d make a nice couple” Just for example..

3)       On his day off, do your makeup in bed. This works especially well if you wake up at 5 am like I do. I am happy to turn on the light, set my multiple makeup boxes right next to me, and go to town. Sometimes I’ll even give his nose a tickle with my blush brush while he sleeps. GOODMORNING HONEY!

4)       Make him go grocery shopping with you, and take your sweet-ass time. He hates grocery shopping, so if I’m feeling like a little button-pushing, I decide TODAY is the day I need to know every ingredient in every thing we buy. “This has too much sugar, this doesn’t have enough, I can’t pronounce this, honey this is heavy can you pick it up”. Don’t forget to paint your nails before too, we cant be pushing around a cart with a fresh mani.

5)       On your dinner night out, when he asks what you want for dinner say, “anything you want sweetheart, I don’t care” and when he suggests something make a disgusted face and say “no I don’t really feel like that”, and continue through all his suggestions. After he is 3 seconds from getting brains on your living room couch, go back to suggestion #1, and say “that sounds great, I’m starvin’ lets go!”

Oh, and always eat on HIS side of the bed. Toast is my favorite.

Have Absolutely Arkansas delivered to your inbox for FREE! You'll never miss a post! Enter Email Here: